It's all hidden.

Oh no! Not Again!

I can barely even begin to type this because I feel it will just turn into a rant and by the end I will have said nothing I originally set out to say, just come off as an angry sobbing wreck and that's not exactly the image of myself I want to portray. I'm just. I'm angry at myself and my own stupid brain. I'm just so..

Ugh I DON'T CARE.IM WRITIN' WHAT I HAVE TO.THIS IS MY JOURNAL.AND IT'S THERAPEUTIC. FOR ME. I'm not gonna be labeled emo for having emotions that make me human and trying to put them into words. And no I'm not hormonal, it's two weeks past that time.

I feel like I'm going to EXPLODE. I have so much frustration and anger and boredom and sadness built up inside my I literally feel full to the brim, when I think about it it's like my chest swells up like my lungs might just burst. And the tears just fall out and I think if I screamed that would help but I can't because the house i live in has no privacy. GOD I just can't stand this. I've sobbed when everybody else is asleep. I'm miserable and this island feels like a prison. Last night I looked for societies or something I could join around here and there is nothing. NOTHING. I live NOWHERE.

And to anyone who doesn't know this I should explain; I live in the middle of a field, and I have really bad social anxieties. To walk to the nearest mall would take me hours. I'm stuck.

I've wanted to quit my job and crawl back to manila and everytime I think it I think 'no, don't be stupid' but that's getting more half hearted every time. I hate this pointlessness. I hate moving. I hate being static. I hate the same thing day in day out. I need a life. I need something to do.

My life is pointless.

At the moment.

and to make it worst, my birthdays up in days now..

saddest birhday to date..

until someone up there hears my awe..

Vhaneedozah told you a beauty secret at 6:52 PM .

I have myself

I feel like I should write in here. Today sucked but at least I know I'm trying to make things better. I just wish I had a gut feeling on what to do. I need something to go with instead of sitting here weighing all the options and risks. I need to be happy again, I know that for damn sure. So I'm making it happen.I just needed to have something encouraging to be concrete somewhere. If I don't have anyone in this world, I have myself.

and i'm sure glad, im back to bloggin' again.

wink*

On the other hand, i feel like dancin' to this..
old old song from way way back..

All Saint's Booty Call

Attention, Biatches! i got a word for yah...

Hey Chelli, when's the wedding? :P

Raine, so baby girl, eh? Im happy for you, dahlin..

Marti, you okay? Haven't heard ya for days? Are you savin' up yer mobile load for nothin'? haha

Pearly, somethin' cookin', eh?

okay. okay. i need a shut eye. let's call it a day.
and besides i got a calamares waitin' for me at home... yum. yum...

but,

yah it'll be better if ill have watermelon shake too! heh.

my stomachs growlin'... didja hear that?

I'm so non sense.

gotta end this.... *wink*

Vhaneedozah told you a beauty secret at 11:18 PM .

Snow on the Sahara
by Anggun

Only tell me that you still want me here
When you wander off out there
To those hills of dust and hard winds that blow
In that dry white ocean alone
Lose out in the desert
Ou are lost out in the desert

But to stand with you in a ring of fire
Ill forget the days gone by
Ill protect your body and guard your soul
From mirages in your sight

Lost out in the desert
You are lost out in the desert

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
Ill be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes, Ill pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the sahara

Just a wish and I will cover your shoulders
With veils of silk and gold
When the shadows come and darken your heart
Leaving you with regrets so cold

Lost out in the desert
You are lost out in the desert

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
Ill be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes, Ill pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the sahara

If thats the only place where you can leave your doubts
Ill hold you up and be your way out
And if we burn away, Ill pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the sahara

Vhaneedozah told you a beauty secret at 10:56 PM .

Random Thoughts

**To all mi gossipers and haters:

'Come what may. I'll take you all on. I am never to be broken.'

**Omg. So it's like. yeah go ahead. I don't need all these. I've got a full plate now.

Sometimes less important things pile up on yer face, you tend to forget the things that need the most attention. Like buying a plane ticket over some cute white top. Beh.
And i'd be back in Manila soon, ugh... well---- for a short vacation, atleast. Like a ten day hassle-free-no-work-worries to bug me. Gosh. Im so friggin' excited!! Bet you can't tell how excited i am, heh. I feel like packing my bag now.

**ok so I have been quoted several times and EVERYTIME they have, they either misquoted me or totally skewed what I said! and this most recent time I didnt say anything even NEAR what they said I did. Duh.

I'm pissed.
thats sOOOO dumb.
I'd better zippah mi big mouth.

** Then, few people in the world call me little helpless girl.
It makes me feel like a smile cant help but peek through.

things are getting better. hopefully.
atleast im positive.

**Oh what a lovely day... just got paid... lovely day.
err, you don't mind me singin', do ya?

**Sometimes the little things make me the happiest.
But also they can hurt the most..

Yummy Calamares.. hmmm i can taste one. SOON.

Ouch. My stomach hurt.

**Pretty girls get to be hated and envied the most.
And so they become victims of their own beauty.
Beauty is curse.

hence,

i'd rather be hated than fugly. haha

**rather uneventful weekend
Just sort of hung out. slept a lot. Lots of thinking. Lots of emotional baggage.
Listening to music. Appreciating what i have as far as everything goes.

I think I'm catching a bit of a cold
Gotta have lots of soup and be sure to keep warm.
See everyone, i just have what they call---- monday sickness...

BURP.

**It seems like it has been forever. A couple months at least.
Help! im trapped in Mactan!

wtf is up with that?

Vhaneedozah told you a beauty secret at 5:04 PM .

im luvin these songs

Sweet Escape
by Gwen Stefani

If I could escape I would but,First of all,
let me sayI must apologize for acting stank & treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold?

If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world&
I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together
Tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet,
I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better, Tell me boy wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

I want to get away, to our sweet escape
I want to get away, yeah
You held me down, I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint
Come on let's bounce, counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground
So baby, times get a little crazy
I've been gettin' a little lazy, waitin' on you to come save me
I can see that you're angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me, wanted you with me

If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world&
I could be your favourite girl (forever),
Perfectly together& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet (sorry boy)
I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)Woohoo, YeehooWoohoo, Yeehoo (If I could escape)
Woohoo, yeehoo (If I could escape)
Woohoo, YeehooCause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold?
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world& I could be your favourite girl (forever),
Perfectly together& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet (sorry boy)
I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)Woohoo, Yeehoo (I wanna get away, get away)
Woohoo, Yeehoo (To our sweet escape)Woohoo, Yeehoo
(I wanna get away)Woohoo, Yeehoo (Yeah)
Woohoo, YeehooWoohoo, Yeehoo

Have you ever seen the rain?
by Rod Stewart

Someone told me long ago
theres a calm before the storm,I know;
its been comin for some time.
When its over, so they say, itll rain a sunny day,I know;
shinin down like water.

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?
I want to know, have you ever seen the rain
Comin down on a sunny day?
Yesterday, and days before, sun is cold and rain is hard,I know;
been that way for all my time.til forever,
on it goes through the circle, fast and slow,I know; it cant stop, I wonder.

****and heres a one cute song by the lovely Drew and Hugh Grant

Way back into love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long Trapped in the past, I
just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again I guess
I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Vhaneedozah told you a beauty secret at 4:28 PM .

If you're somehow trapped between your feelings and what other people think that's right, always go for whatever makes you happy..
unless you want everyone to be happy for you.. except you being happy for yourself.

**
Seems to me like i can never learn life and what it's all about. I seem to have been here before, it's not the first time I have felt its necessary to post a 'public' apology for my lack of ability to keep up with life.. Plus, i'm having a hard time dealing with the truth that life is for living not for pecuniary gain and you can't please all of the people all of the time. And so it is.

bleep. bleep.

**
Are We, as in humans, mostly a loving or hating creatures? I always thought that though we see so much hatred present in this world, we still are much busier with loving each other and expressing positive feelings, rather than hating and having negative opinions for each other. Though I agree that both love and hate can indeed coexist, like that in a romantic relationship...

one moment you feel loved then the next day, you're completely ignored... like you don't exist!

P.S.> Maybe this is a stupid post, but a good one to give it a little thought.

**
Went to Bantayan ( one of the finest beach in cebu) couple of days back. I enjoyed my 'personal moments'.. where i just had to lay down and stuck my nose on the sand, taste it's salty water, soiled mi feet and pick me up some fine stones along the shore line.
i love it at night, you see the stars just as if you can reach them and save it in yer pocket.
The tapping sound the waves create gives you the sense of calming effect, wherein you can close yer eyes and imagine yerself somewhere else.. some place where happiness is just in a corner. you see in a real world, happiness can be far to reach out at times.. like its just another word in dictionary.. you know the definition of the word but what about the meaning of it?

anyhow... i just wanna save myself some fake laughter.
it helps. at times.

**
I love reading blogs. I see to it that everytime i surf the net i get to have enough time in readin all of mi pal's blogs. See reading their posts makes me feel near them ( like im never trapped in a godforsaken island )..

well.. enough of these.. i just like to point out that i felt sad when i learned MArti stopped blogging...
i know yer readin' marti , just go ahead and bounce yer broke ass home. haha

Vhaneedozah told you a beauty secret at 6:52 PM .

its no efin secret.... im free!!!!!

sometimes what people say or write about you can break someone's heart... so fckin true...
but what the heck... you know yourself too well you dont have to explain yourself to these close minded people who knew nothing but hurt people with their harsh words...
why dont you people just mind your own business?? aint that something you owe to yourselves?
heres one thought i wanna share to y'all...

Yeah It's officially the biggest midget in the game...
I dunno Make way for the s.o veign
Love me or hate me it's still an obsession
Love me or hate me that is the question
If you love me then thank you If you hate me then f**k you
I'm fat and need a diet
No in fact I'm just to light and I aint got the biggest breast-s-s
But I write all the best-s hits I got hairy armpits
But I don't walk around like this
I wear a big baggy T-shirt That hides that nosty sh*t
Ugh... never had my nails done
Bite them down until they're none
I'm the one with a non-existent bum
I don't really give a UGH I'm missing my shepherd's pie
Like a high maintenance chick missing her diamonds
I'm missing my Clipper lighters
Now bow down to your royal highness
No, I don't own a corgi I had a hamster
It died cus I ignored it Go on then, go on report me I'm English, try and deport me
Love me or hate me it's still an obsession
Love me or hate me that is the question If you love me then thank you If you hate me then f**k you
I'm a funky little monkey
With the tiniest ears I don't like drinking fancy shampi
I stick with Heineken beers Oops, might burp in your face
A little unladylike, what can I say?
Well oh gosh I'm not posh me, I wear odd socks I do what I'm doing yeah
So everybody's entitled to opinions I open my mouth and sh*t I got millions I'm the middle kid, the riddle kid I make you giggle til you're sick
My nose jiggles while I spit
Yeah I do have some stories
And it's true I want all the glory Go on then, come on support me
I'm English try and deport me
Love me or hate me it's still an obsession
Love me or hate me that is the question If you love me
then thank you If you hate me then f**k you x 2 Love me or hate me, love me or hate me
So I can't dance and I really can't sing,
yeah I can only do one thing and that's be Lady Sovereign

hahaha... lemme laugh my way to yah fat ass!!!! hahaha

Im a very trusting person. I trust people to date and to mess up with...
Just so happen that i find it very hard to recognize the one to trust to and those who are so called 'two faced' in casino. From the way i see it some people just cant help themselves but find faults on you...

oopsssss...... before i forget id like to quote a gay friend of mine in casino
he once mentioned
'my life's in manila but my hearts in mactan'....

i gasped and then i wonder... where do my heart go?
sooner or later i have to make a decision...

then when i finally make it.... no more sleepless nights to dance with....

Vhaneedozah told you a beauty secret at 11:41 PM .