YWednesday, September 12, 2007
you know. i never kept a blog for attention.or pity, or to know people care/are concerned.
if i wanted to make a big deal out of the shit i put in here and what i'm feeling
i never wrote for attention or pity or concern.
i write and have always written for understanding.so YOU can try to understand ME a little bit better.
there's no other reason for it than that.
this page exists as encouragement for me to process my thoughts and feelings into words.
and also for people to try and grasp what i'm all about, not only on a superficial 'glimpse into my life' kind of level, but also on a deeper 'this is how i think, this is what's important to me' level.
i am not expecting anyone's pity nor asking for it.
i don't need it.
decidedly, you leaving a comment on a depressed entry isn't going to help my mood, and you even saying ANYTHING about it won't help me at all, so then why would i make a wah wah emo entry for that reason? looking for pity? well, i wouldn't.
because i'm not. it's the last thing i need, and i'm perfectly capable of dealing with myself. sympathy not neccessary.
i just want you to see me how i see me or at least try.
i want understanding more than anything.
i write here primarily for the beauty of communication and that's all.
so many people don't post in blogs much or when they have a sadder entry, they make it private, etc.why are people so scared of letting their feelings and thoughts out?
that's a dumb question--they're afraid of being judged.
well, i've been judged, and i'm not afraid of it and here i am.
this is my retaliation to being judged for what i choose to write about in here.
look, this blog?
nothing to do with you or your response or reaction. and everything to do with me just trying to get things out and convey emotion. that's all i've ever wanted to do in my writing--convey emotion.
not trigger any sort of unneeded response from the unhelpful although compassionate peanut gallery.
in addition, if you were me, you'd know that i don't say 80% of the shit that goes through my head. if you somehow think i'm an attention whore when you read the meager 20%, i'll try writing the other 80% and see if you can stomach that. if i really wanted attention, there is tons worse shit i could tell you besides that i used to cut and sometimes feel like doing it again. okay, big deal? part of an addiction is breaking it, part of an addiction is relapse.
it's not something i talk about in search of sympathy, or even mention often. it's something i talk about in search of understanding, so maybe you know me a little bit better that way. maybe you know more about my story that way. i talk about it not so you can fawn over me and give me attention. i talk about it because in my mind, it's an issue, and it's something that's ongoing in my life, something going on with me.
it's dumb. i'm not going to change how i document my life, thoughts, and feelings because you've gotten yourself a warped view of me through it. i'm not going to stuff all emotion away just so i can seem fine. i AM fine, but i do have problems sometimes or i get in bad moods.
WOO BIG DEAL. i post when i'm in a bad mood! i must want tons of attention! uh, WHAT? no! isn't it logical to want to get that negative emotion out of your system via writing about it?
I'M NOT ASKING FOR A RESPONSE OR EVEN ACKNOWLEDGMENT WHEN I POST AN ENTRY THAT SEEMS DEPRESSING. IT'S THERE SO YOU CAN TRY AND GET A GLIMPSE INTO MY HEAD FOR A SECOND, IT'S THERE SO YOU CAN KNOW ME.
thank you.
Vhaneedozah told you a beauty secret at
i've got this whole new idea.
this whole new plan.it's called giving up.
it's the safest thing i could ever do.
'this girl i got's disposable.
'this is the safest thing i could ever do.
i'll be happy this way and i'll just stop hoping and stop wishing and stop worrying about it.
there isn't any hope right now so why waste time on it?
give it up and just go through the motions.
i touch window panes delicately, like that glass could shatter at any time.
it really could, at the slightest tap.i won't suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted.
wake me up inside.surrender to nothing,call my name and save me from the dark.
i'll give up what i started and stopped.save me from the nothing i’ve become,from end to beginning.
now that i know what i’m without,a new day is coming.
you can't just leave me.and i am finally free.
breathe into me and make me real.run away, i'll attack.
bring me to life.run away, go change yourself.frozen inside without your touch,
i would’ve kept you forever.
without your love, darling,it ended for both of us.
only you are the life among the dead.
kill off this thinking,all this time, i can't believe i couldn't see.
it’s starting to sink in,kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me.
i’m losing control now.i’ve been sleeping a thousand years, it seems.but without you, i can finally see.got to open my eyes to everything.your promises, they look like lies,without a thought, without a voice, without a soul.your honesty is like a back that hides a knife,don't let me die here.there must be something more.bring me to life.
i guess i'm tired of being strong all the time.i'm tired of fighting how i feel all the time.
consumed by dead-love, nothing is really going to fix this.
to be honest, i'm not really worth a whole lot of anyone's time.
Vhaneedozah told you a beauty secret at
inspite of all the hurts..... i still love you... truly....
manila... ill be back soon....
Vhaneedozah told you a beauty secret at
